
As I sit here today and ponder the universe and all that is, I find myself once again thinking of one of my favorite topics, pee. All things bodily amuse me greatly, piss, poop, puke, gas, especially gas, but today the subject of conversation will surely be piss.
Why you might axe? (ask, but we like to get comfortable with our inner ghetto here) It dawned on me today as I was visiting the men's room at my office that there are two different types of pee'ers; water and ceramic. Now you are probably thinking to yourself that the Snowman is some sort of retard, but that's not the case. Let me outline it for you.
While sitting on the Juan(that's Spanish for John or the crapper in case you didn't figure that out already) this a.m. in stall #1, (the one closest to the door and least desirable) I'm just getting myself comfy ready to fire my ballast all over the back bowl when it hits me; Some dude is taking a piss and it sounds like fucking Niagara falls going on over there. What is that guy trying to do? Impress me with the force of his urine stream in the urinal? Who the fuck pisses in the water in the urinal anyway? Is this clown actually thinking that by pissing in the water that the sheer sound of his piss hitting the water will make it sound like he's got a big weenie? I stop to chuckle at the pomposity of this last line of print. Does it sound like I have a big dick? Why else would someone want to piss in the small collection of water in the bottom of the urinal?
Now some urinals don't have water in them at all, they have one of those stupid-ass rubber things with holes in it that sort of looks like a jar opener, or something one might toss down in their bathtub so that they won't slip and break their ass. Some have that ridiculous plastic thing that is the form of a basket that hold those oh-so-tasty urinal cakes. Oh yeah, I can almost smell it now. But no, we don't have that stuff here in the office of the Snowman, we have water, which leads me back to my question: Why is this joker pissing with the ferocity of a bear cat into the urinal making such a loud-ass piss hitting the water sound? Is there any benefit to this at all? What is the point here? Does it help you piss better? Certainly it has to splash a little more, thereby getting your khakis piss-sprinkled causing you to look even more like a buffoon as you make your way to the 11:00 status meeting. (you can always blame it on too much water pressure in the sink).
Please, someone out there tell me why you piss in the water !
Now the Snowman chooses to piss on the porcelain, and not just at the urinal either, I like to piss on the porcelain in the shitter at the Igloo too. Makes less noise you know. Maybe I became concious of this years back when i would take a piss at home and due to the location of the bathroom back at the old Igloo, and the paper thin walls and doors, anyone that had to pee downstairs would do so knowing that everyone in the entire house would be able to hear the sound of your urine stream crashing into the water in the toilet bowl. I don't know about you guys, but that's a little embarrassing when company is over.
"Oh, was that just you in there taking a piss? I thought that maybe an elephant had strayed into the room and let it fly." I really don't know for sure why this is embarrassing to me, but it is. Not just for guys either, I've heard many a strong piss coming from the bathroom when the chick sneaks in to wee wee.
So where is this going anyway? Oh yeah, so that leads me to believe that there are two camps, the guys that want to go into the bathroom and piss as loud as humanly possible and those that want to piss quietly. Now before you confuse this with stage fright, let me set you straight on that.
The Snowman does not suffer from stage fright.
I have to piss, I go to where ever it is the pisser is, and let fly. I rarely have trouble when it comes to pissing with other people around, I just don't necessarily want anyone to hear my piss hit the water, and it really doesn't bother me that much if they do, I think that maybe it's just more polite to piss quietly. Now the poor Clown that stands there for minutes on end with his dick in his hand, coughing, flushing the commode, sniffing, grunting, running the sink, waiting to hear the other guy piss (in the water) struggling to get that extra cup of coffee thru his penis while I stand there freely pissing all over the porcelain, that guy cracks me up. I feel sorry for this bastard because this dumb shit clearly has issues. Is his dick extra small or something? what the fuck? if you piss on the porcelain, no one will hear you piss anyway, and that may be the source of your fright in the first place? who knows?

Now this brings up more observations about pissing in general. There are many different types of urinals and many different types of pissers and piss for that matter.
Urinals: you have the classic urinal, water, no water, cake, mat, say no to drugs, Iraqi bullseye. You have the kinds that are kind of round, the rectangular types, the ones that jut way out, and the kinds that go all the way to the floor. You have those with no paritions, classic toilets and then there is the classic trough which you just don't see enough of these days. Can you imagine having a trough installed at the office? Now that would lend itself to quite a bit of coffee talk.
I'm thinking that the roots to stage fright probably originate with the trough. Not only do you have no partition there, but chances are if you are pissing in a trough, the place is fucking packed. Brings back memories of the old baseball stadium and standing shoulder to shoulder just to whip it out and take a leak in the same sink everyone else pissing in. Pretty humiliating most of the time, unless you are so fucked up and have to piss so bad that you couldn't care any less if your pissing in the middle of the library, or unless you have a 13" fat boy that you can proudly display to the other onlookers, in which case i'd be pissing the ladies room or just in the middle of wherever I happened to be.
I'm pretty sure that this is why guys are afraid to piss in public restrooms. You always have that one fucking douche-bag that is looking at everyone else's dick to see how his sizes up. This is the guy that I will turn 90 degrees to and axe if he would like to get a better look while I'm still pissing (hopefully on his pant leg). Now the Snowman is never going to brag about the size of his Snow-penis, because I'll guarantee you that when God decided to create me, he figured an average dick was good enough, and he was right, it pisses just fine and delivers the baby batter when needed to impregnate the SnowBabe and make my Snowbabies, and it has been my companion for many years. Yes, it's just fine thanks; Big? no, efficient? Yes. What I don't need is some fuck bag staring at my cock while I'm trying to piss. Ah, the trough. so I digress.....way, way, way down on some other path, but wait, let's get back to the topic.
That pretty much cover the types of pissers, now lets look at the pissee: You have the classic stage-fright pisser, the guy that can't piss to save his ass if anyone else is even thinking about coming into the restroom. You have the guy that has to stand super close to the urinal because he is afraid that some homo is going to look at his unit. You have the guy that stands way back for the world to see his Crakken, then there's the dude that somehow manages to piss all over the fucking floor and spray on the partition and everywhere in the place. Now how is that? Do you have an extra hole or two on the side of your pecker? Maybe that piercing wasn't such a good idea there cream puff. Some dudes are so fucking fat, that they can't even see their dick, so I would understand why the fat bastards of the world would piss in the water, how else would they know that they were hitting the target? Sometimes i'll be pissing and some fucked up shit is going on with my dickhole and I'll be pissing in two different streams. One going where it is supposed to, and one is either shooting off at a75 degree angle or straight down, (which answers part of the question above about pissing all over the place), so I'll try to adjust in mid stream and the piss just gets all over the damn place. Definitely not good if you have carpet in your bathroom, but if you're like me or seemingly 80% of the population, you just piss all over.
Then there's the dude that absolutely won't piss at the urinal, never, EVER, no way in hell. this fucker will piss his pants before he pees in the urinal. What's up with that? I figure this dude either has a microscopic dick, is uncircumsized, has no penis, or has some sort of sprinkler head attached to the end of his cock. I mean, what the fuck? I get the whole trough thing, really I do. It's not my favorite place to piss either, but when there are maybe two or three pissers in the whole bathroom with partitions for privacy and i see these dudes going into the stall, i immediate think, this guy is going to take a shit, Right? Then i hear the stall lock tight and the pissing starts. It's obvious this guy isn't taking a dump, so what's up with that? Stage fright? So if you are hiding behind the stall door it's okay to piss ? Then there's the guy who will go in there and take his damn pants to the floor to piss. I am really confused about that? why would you do such a thing? Too fat? have to hold the unit with two hands? what the fuck? Why wouldn't you just sit down to piss instead of dropping trou to the nasty shithouse floor? I mean, sure it's the girly thing to do to pee sitting down, but so is hiding behind the damn stall door to pee and dropping your pants to the floor.
Hell, i piss sitting down all the time at home. Never fails, every night around 2 or 3 a.m. the Snowman will stumble to the pisser to purge another 5 or 6 Bud Light Ices and Hell YES, I am going to sit my ass down to piss. Why? Because I'm too fucking tired and too fucking drunk to stand up and piss. Now I can prop my chin on my hands and go back to sleep while that 12 minute piss drains out of me. Some dudes would rather prop up on one arm above the pisser which i used to do way back when, but then I found this method to be much cleaner and surely much quieter (don't want to wake up the SnowBabe) and certainly eleviates the problem of accidently pissing on the floor. I will do this at night, and some times for the first piss of the day, where I am also too fucking lazy to stand for the whole job. However, this is never okay in a public restroom, unless of course you have the Shits and are afraid of exploding all over your under pants while pissing. In this case, it is totally acceptable to sit and pee. Alot of times when this happens to me, I'll just go to hover mode and aim for the wall just in case I happen to explode so that bastard janitor that always comes in to clean the shitter when I'm in it will have to clean it up off the wall. Stupid fucker, can't he see my shoes when I'm clearly taking a shit? anyway, I am straying off topic again.
I think that just about covers the pissees, I did catch one dude standing back about 5 feet from the urinal trying to piss way across the floor one time. It's like this dipshit didn't think somebody might walk into the bathroom at the bar while he was trying for the new Olympic piss distance record? All this talk of urinating has caused me to break away....................................................pissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
okay, so this pissing thing is getting out of control long. The only thing left to discuss is the actual piss. yellow by nature, sometimes clear (mmmmm beer), sometimes neon bright yellow like mountain Dew after consuming vitamins or other such substance. There is an unmistakable smell around piss, especially that really dark piss that you piss about 1 or 2 o'clock the day after a long weekend of drinking heavily. The one you take after the 45 minute long piss that morning, but then you didn't take another one for about 10 hours because you were so fucking dehydrated that day it took your body that long to produce another piss. That is the dark yellowish brown nasty piss that smells like holy hell. toss in a few pubes on the bowl and you could almost yak just thinking about it. Then there's the whole asparagus thing, that makes your piss smell like god-knows-what about 15 minutes after eating that shit. Other shit makes your piss stink too, onions, hot wings sometimes, maybe it's just not being really healthy that makes your piss stink. who knows, but i don't enjoy it.
does piss feel good? why do people enjoy getting pissed on ? It would probably be pretty fun to piss on some dirty bitch who most definitely derserved to be pissed on. I know it feels damn good to piss after holding it in forever, but who wants to be pissed on ?
My mind is spiralling in so many different directions right now about piss and topics to rant about, but I'll have to hold out for another day around those, as I wasted far too much of my day typing this piss.
Have a Good Winter (and a good piss too) the 8